Wax On / Wax Off

It was nearing the end of Covid lockdowns, and Cobra Kai (the three-generations-later spinoff to The Karate Kid) was number one on Netflix. I confess: me and the family binged the first season, but we felt it got a little implausible after that. I mean, every problem on the show was solved using karate while there was an ever-decreasing likelihood of karate being an appropriate answer:

• Bullied at school? Try karate. Makes sense.

• Suffering low confidence? Karate. Yeah, that tracks.

• Feeling stagnated in your corporate job? Take up karate. Still with ya.

• Buckling under high interest rates on your mortgage? Apply karate. Wait… what?

• Struggling against the ramifications of a steadily globalizing economy? Yet more karate.

However, the show did get me thinking about martial arts for me and the kids. There’d been no school sports for the last couple years, and I thought it would be fun for us to do something together, something where we were all beginners.

Out of the panoply of martial arts, I picked Taekwon-Do (TKD) because it teaches mostly striking and self-defense. There were also a few places nearby.

And, just like the Karate Kid, I found my Mr. Miyagi through dumb luck. My very first phone call just happened to connect me to one of the preeminent practitioners of TKD in Canada: Master Grant Arden at Apollo Taekwon-Do. (Seriously, I had no idea how much I lucked out until months, even years, later. He's one of a handful of Masters in Canada, his black belts are world competitors, and Apollo just made The Best of Calgary list).

We arranged a time when I could see one of his classes in session, and I could see right away that he was old school, running his crew with order and discipline.

He greeted me at the door while one of his black belts took over the class. I said, “Hey there, Grant. I’m Adam. We spoke on the phone,” and I shook his hand. I didn’t know it’d be the last time I’d call him Grant or shake his hand without a bow, but it was. Once you enter his tutelage, his handle is Master Arden, Master, or just Sir.

How do I describe this guy to you? (Especially considering that I’m at his mercy twice a week). Have you seen Die Hard? He immediately reminded me of Karl, Hans Gruber’s right-hand man. He stalks around with that same lithe, predatory grace. Also, he lets his shoulder-length blond hair swing free like the 1980s never ended, so there’s that.

Seriously, I can't be the only one who sees a likeness here. They have the same smile.

Fun fact: the actor who portrayed Karl in Die Hard, Alexander Gudunov, was an accomplished ballet dancer before he starred in one of the most enduring action films of all time. And much like a dancer, Master Arden can demonstrate a complex series of spins and high kicks in slow motion, breaking it down into its component parts, casually discussing each precise movement as he performs it, displaying superhuman balance and muscle control. It’s downright eerie. Then he can show it to you at combat speed in a frightening burst of elegant violence.

As for his martial arts studio (dojang, as I would learn to call it), I was in love with it at first sight. It’s not a large space, just 10 meters wide and about 15 long. Most of that space is covered with interlocking mats where the class was paired off and fighting.

The walls and ceilings drew my attention. I’ve run a few of those obstacle course races (OCRs) like the Spartan and the Rugged Maniac, and Master Arden has built a perfect environment for OCR training: devil steps, peg boards, rings, salmon ladder, it was unreal.

If you can pull yourself up on those pegs, then hold your entire weight with one hand on one peg while you pull the other peg free and insert it into the next slot, then repeat the action with the other hand and navigate your way up and down those planks... you're doing pretty good with your upper-body strength to weight ratio.

I asked if he trained for OCRs, and he said he ran bootcamps to get people Spartan-fit in there. Given his own physique, I was sure he didn’t have any trouble convincing people he knew his stuff. He’s one of those guys whose body fat percentage would be in the low single digits. I'm pretty sure the only thing he eats is protein shakes and sit-ups.

I decided to give these Devil Steps a shot the other day. I climbed to the top easy enough, but then you have to spin around and descend another set going the other way. My transition needs work.

Me, my son Levi, and my daughter Abby enrolled in his beginner class. It was fun. But like most things that sound exciting, there was a lot of not-so-exciting stuff. Stretching… not exciting. Important, yes. Exciting, no. And we had to learn things like proper stances and fundamental movements that don’t feel like they have any practical application.

Oh, but they do. I had this demonstrated one night when the kids weren’t able to come. I came home all excited and told Abby about it.

“You wouldn’t believe what you missed,” I said. “Master Arden totally waxed me off.”

“Okay… like… you can never say that again.”

“Yup… heard it as I said it. Sorry. But you know what I mean, right? Wax on, wax off?”

“Yeah. The Karate Kid thing.”

“The very one. He walks by me, and he goes, ‘You remember the first two movements in Saju-Jirugi?’ And I’m, like, ‘Yes, sir.’ And he goes, ‘Show me.’ So I think about it for just a second, right? Like, he’s focused on me, so I want to do it properly.”

“Of course.”

“So I take a breath, step forward into the punch, then pivot hard and make the low block, left forearm, but he kicks me right when I do it.”

“Actually kicks you?”

“Actually kicks me. Like… would have absolutely kicked me the nads, but my forearm block hits his foot and stops it.”

“Did he kick you hard?”

“Not hard hard, but yeah, I definitely felt it on my forearm, and I’d have been on the floor if it had hit me in the nuts.”

“Did he say anything to you?”

“Yeah, he’s, like, ‘You see the purpose now?’ And I said, ‘Yes, sir.’ He says, ‘And you’re glad you did it strong that time?’ I said, ‘Yes, sir.’ And he goes, ‘Make sure it’s strong every time.’”

This is one of the things I appreciate about Master Arden’s teaching. He shows us the application of the movements. For every belt level that you advance in TKD, you have to learn a choregraphed set of motions called a pattern (tul in Korean). A lot of people find them quite tedious because you not only need to learn the motions and stances (anywhere between 19 and 72, depending on the belt level), but they also have to be precise, and the motions need to be swift and sure. Perfection is the only standard, and it takes years of consistent practice to achieve even 3/4s of perfection. It’s an exacting and demanding undertaking.

But if you ask Master Arden, “Sir, what’s the application of the double forearm block in this pattern?” He’ll say, “Show me your pattern. Movement 24 to 28. Make it strong.” Then he’ll aim a turning kick at your head just as you make the block, and you’ll watch his foot bounce harmlessly off your forearm, and he’ll remind you to make it strong every time.

So does that mean the whole “wax on, wax off, paint the fence, sand the deck” thing from The Karate Kid is real? Yes and no. In the movie, Mr. Miyagi gets Daniel to demonstrate the motions of each menial task he’s given him and pairs it with an attack that it will successfully defend, like Master Arden will do. But in that scene, Miyagi then unleashes a dozen random full speed punches and kicks to the head and midsection, and Daniel’s hands just take over and defend him flawlessly. While there’s some truth to this, it’s more complicated.

A couple weeks ago, me and Mr. Smith (currently a third degree black belt) got paired up to do an exercise where you choreograph a fight. We were given a few minutes to piece together a sequence where each guy had to make twelve attacks and twelve appropriate defenses.

Mr. Smith says, “Okay, I’ll attack first. Maybe I’ll start with… turning kick, high section; back kick, midsection; and sliding double punch.”

And I was, like, “Sure. You want me to use any specific defense?”

He says, “Well… just react. See what happens.”

And it sort of worked. We squared up to each other, we each said the Korean word for begin, Sijak, and he attacked. I didn’t have to think very much, and my arms and legs went to the appropriate blocks instinctively.

That said, we were only going about three-quarter speed, I knew what was coming, and I’ve now been doing this for four years. The idea that a kid could pick it up and apply it unconsciously in four days is as much movie magic as noisy space explosions and screaming dinosaurs.

So if I were Adam Savage rather than Adam Schnell, I would say this myth is busted. You can’t just go hard for four days and expect to be waxing off like a master. It takes many, many years of waxing on and waxing off to effectively beat off attackers.

P.S.: I imagine it's obvious by now, but Apollo Taekwon-Do has my full endorsement. If you want to put in the work and truly learn the art and discipline of TKD, Master Arden is your man. There are plenty of martial arts studios where you can get yourself a black belt in a couple years through attendance and paying your fees, but Apollo is NO SUCH PLACE. For me, that's a selling point. If it is for you too, and you live somewhere near northwest Calgary, come stop by the dojang some time.